Here are all her cards.

Card: You will get your heart's desire.
Joker's Response: Too bad you're an addict.

Card: You will come to the attention of people in high places.
Joker's Response: Like crazed hilltop snipers.

Card: You will live in interesting times.
Joker's Response: Interesting to historians. Like the Black Plague.

Card: You will meet someone tall, dark and handsome who you will share your life with.
Joker's Response: They'll route your bank funds into an untraceable Caribbean account.

Card: You will come into great wealth.
Joker's Response: After an industrial accident. You'll be blind. Deaf. Completely paralyzed. But rich.

Card: Now would be a good time to leave your job.
Joker's Response: Twenty years flipping burgers is enough.

Card: Children will influence a major decision.
Joker's Response: Who knows. You might have married her anyway.

Card: You will have a breakthrough in your career.
Joker's Response: Your boss will take credit.

Card: You will have an opportunity for a good investment.
Joker's Response: House of Pies stock is shooting up.

Card: Don't assume you know what is going on at work.
Joker's Response: But yes, there are photos. And yes, they will stand up in court.

Card: You will make money, if not for you, then for an organization.
Joker's Response: Like the IRS.

Card: You will unexpectedly need help today, and the response of friends will surprise you.
Joker's Response: They'll take video. Send it to your boss. Your wife. It will go viral.

Card: Money is heading your way.
Joker's Response: But you're a moving target. Too bad.

Card: Expect a promotion.
Joker's Response: Expect it to be humiliating.

Card: You will soon receive a gift.
Joker's Response: If your lawyer calls and says don't answer the door, there's a reason.

Card: You can expect an inheritance.
Joker's Response: One of those genetic things that predict a short and miserable life. It will also explain why your ears look like that.

Card: Someone you currently doubt is telling the truth.
Joker's Response: Saying you are the prophet of a new religion won't help. The voices were wrong. They weren't free samples.

Card: Beware of false information regarding a loved one.
Joker's Response: But that thing about the affair? That's true. Sorry.

Card: Beware of unexpected windfalls.
Joker's Response: Vegans are especially flatulent.

Card: A new person will enter your life.
Joker's Response: Your cellmate. The voices will tell him you're a demon.

Card: An acquaintance will approach you with a business offer.
Joker's Response: Anyone stupid enough to use a fortune-telling machine will think it's a great offer. You're probably dating a pagan.

Card: A small kindness will lead to unexpected benefits.
Joker's Response: After several thousand dollars, things will be mostly okay. Just give up and throw out your mattress.

Card: Cancel the trip you planned this week.
Joker's Response: Take the trip-- dysentery. Stay home-- Salmonella. Either way, you lose weight.

Card: Your star is climbing. You'll be a celebrity.
Joker's Response: The Darwin awards are a kind of fame.